She was all okay until someone asked her the question; “What’s causing you so much pain?”
Let’s elaborate this a little more…
She was smiling. Someone asked; “Are you okay?” She smiled and replied, “of course”. The next question took away her smile!
The question; “Then what’s causing you so much pain?”
Sometimes a small question can trigger a whirlwind of emotions hidden behind a smiling mask..
‘Do you think of me?’ he asked. She replied, ‘I do’. After a pause, she added ‘It’s always like that, isn’t it? We tend to think of all those who come across our life, once a while’.
#random thoughts
Life has made me learn lot of things..
Things we call as experiences..
Experiences that has made me both happy and sad..
That has made me who I am today..
Obsessed was me for the people in my life..
Obsessions that made me loose me..
Until I became obsessed with the little things in life..
Obsessed I am…
..with flowers & leaves
..with stones & pebbles
..with beaches & rivers
..with hills & mountains
..with snow & rain
..with songs & solitude
These days, obsessed I am with all that gives me tranquility…
Serenity that no one could ever make me feel!!
#oxfordlife #obsession #tranquility #serenity #solitude #littlethingsinlife #morningmadness
They met, became best friends soon to fall in love with each other. While one was all the other could wish for, the other one was a confused soul who just lived life as it comes.
Time flew by, they made their own memories, there came a day when they had to part their ways for their future.
They thought they would survive the distance. Little did they know they wouldn’t and with distance came the insecurities; once best friends became strangers, later to be just friends!
They moved on with their respective lives and the kind of understanding that two people lacked while being in a relationship, they found it after a decade.
More than anything, they missed being each other’s best friends who could share everything without thinking much.
It’s hard to live with regrets, memories still fresh somewhere in their heart, with no option to be what they were once.
Only if one had the courage to reach out to other and only if the other had let go of the pride, they would have been together now.
Name it as destiny or fate. Their path is different now and people around them see them happy in their respective lives.
Only they know the turmoil they have in their heart somewhere hidden in their masks, not being able to share with anyone.
They finally did let go of their pride and took the courage to share with each other how they had once wanted to be back in each other’s life, but how they never took the chance of asking each other.
They knew it’s of no use now. It was too late. However, this confession eased out the pain they had in their heart.
Even though the regret kills them, they now know that they didn’t actually hate each other.
Even if it pains them, they did let go of what had happened between them and promised each other to find their way back to being best friends, slowly.
A promise, they knew they would keep, unlike last time.
I walk away, when someone says I am a distraction for them
I walk away, when someone says me not to disturb them
I walk away, when someone says that they want to move on
I walk away, when someone treats me like an option
I walk away, even when someone’s actions speak louder than their voice
The very first time I tried and fought for someone was in my school days
That was for a friend and I fought or tried my best to make her stay in my life
But back then, I was treated like I was no one
People laughed at my efforts or for the love I had for my friend
I was a laughing stock for my friends and family
Since then, I haven’t really fought for anyone
I don’t stay and fight for people anymore
If I am asked to walk away, I do that completely
I try not to be a distraction
It isn’t because they weren’t worth the fight
They were people with whom I had that emotional connection
The one thing I always thrived in a relationship, be it a love relationship or a friendship
I end up walking away without expressing my actual feelings
I end up walking away without even fighting for them
As I think back, all those people from whom I had walked away,
Might have thought that I don’t care
They might have thought, if I cared, I would have fought and stayed
They might have felt low of themselves thinking if they weren’t worth the fight
If they were just an option for me in my life
Only if I had a chance to go back and tell them, they were all I needed in my life
Only if I could tell them, it wasn’t them, but me who didn’t have the courage to fight for anyone
Only if I could tell them, how much they meant to me
Only if I could tell them, how hard it was for me to be away from them
Only if I could tell them, how many sleepless nights I have had thinking of them
Only if I could tell them, they were all worth the fight
Only if I could open up to someone and cry out louder
When the history repeats and I am been asked not to be a distraction
I pretend as if I don’t care
But with the pain that keeps building up each moment
The unbearable heaviness that I feel over my heart
There comes a point where I feel I have lost
Now it’s that point in my life, that
I wouldn’t really care if I don’t wake up tomorrow
While my heart sank deeply
I try my best not to have tears in my eyes
I try my best to keep a constant smile on my lips
I try my best to keep a blank face hiding emotions
I try hard not to think what the need was
I try hard not to think of the pain
I try hard not to think negatively
I try hard not to have regrets
But then I am being bold enough
Bold enough to let go
Pain is pain, none are more or less
I have survived before, and I know
I would survive this one too
Feeling void, I had my eyes searching for something in city lights as the car moved. I glanced at my watch and noticed the time. My thoughts pondered over a week back memories.
At this time of that day, we were sitting in one of those benches facing the beach. I chuckled inwardly when I saw you running to get the empty bench before anyone occupies it. As we sat down side by side, we both were silent for few minutes embracing the cool sea breeze. Our conversation started with how good we were feeling that time. We spoke about a lot of things that day. Somewhere in the mid of the conversations, we had entwined our hands. And at one point, I rested my head on your shoulders. Feeling awkward, I quickly straightened myself and you were like, it’s okay. We laughed off that moment.
As I smiled at the memory of one of the best evenings I ever had, I felt my eyes moist. Unknowingly, you said many things that day that touched my heart. I admired how my hands fitted perfectly in yours’. The solace that I felt hugging you and the warmth that I felt from your forehead kisses are not something that these words could describe.
My chains of thoughts were broken as I reached home. Now at this night hour, staring the empty sky, I don’t know what exactly I am feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I sad? I don’t know. Should I be happy for that one wonderful evening I had or should I be sad worrying if that would remain to be the last one ever?
I am sweet. I am weird. I am the hard person. I can love and I can be cunning too. After all I am a normal human. I don’t judge people when getting to know them. I don’t judge them for what they tell me about their past, or about them. I don’t judge them for what they are. I am most thankful when I see them opening up to me without hiding anything. Problem is me, I who tries and maintains a distance from them fall for them or should I say starts trusting them easily. And when that happens, I tend to talk a lot than them. I tend to show that I care. I tend to show my love for them.
When I start talking to a person, I know it isn’t going to last for long. Still I take chances. It’s more like giving chances to me than to the person. Every single time, I lose. Every time it happens, it leaves a scar in my soul.
Problem is my intuition. My intuition gives me a warning every time people lie to me or every time someone tries to avoid me. I don’t know if I should take this as a blessing or the other way. Because it hurts, every single time, it hurts.
This is where I fail to be a true scorpion. Even when I realize the person is either lying or trying to avoid, I don’t fight them. I don’t ask them. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I am left broken inside each time. It makes me think if I am worthless. I know, I shouldn’t think that way. But then again, I am a normal human being who has her own insecurities. I try and hold on to the dead plant as long as I can. In the end, I just walk away; walk away deciding this is it and no more new acquaintances or friends moving forward.
Ting ting. My phone rings. I see a new conversation, “Hey”; I think for a while and starts typing on my phone. My brain asks me why? My heart says, one last time please?
The problem is I don’t learn.
The problem is I get carried away with the moment.
The problem is I try and live my life as it comes.
The problem is I am not afraid to be happy.
The problem is I give my life a lot of chances.
The problem is I allow people to walk in and out as they wish.
The problem is I let myself hurt every time people walk out, leaving painful scars in my heart.
The problem is I have learned to live with the pain.
The problem is; “I, myself“.
It’s interesting to meet new people in our life. Suddenly we feel connected. We will have that eagerness to know about each other, to see in person and to spend time with each other. What we don’t realize is this is all temporary. Eventually this excitement will be over and we would move on searching for a new excitement in life. It’s weird, but bitter truth as well. The same person, whom we wanted to know or with whom we felt good being with, will suddenly feel like a burden. We will find a way to avoid them. It’s not intentional, but this is how we are.
When we know, this is how we are, it’s better to make the point clear to the person we are getting along with. Because, not everyone is like this and most of them would want the people in their life the same way they are. I would say, courageous are those who have the guts to accept how they are before getting along with the person. Like someone said; “In a world where everyone wears a mask, it’s a privilege to see a soul.”
So don’t worry about being judged. Those who are acquainted to judge others would do that, no matter what. Point is when you know how you are or who you are, why show something else? Accept how you are and never pretend what you are not! Remember, it’s better to be an honest arrogant rather than being a fake sweet person.
Ps : Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense to you. Wrote this based on my recent conversations with few acquaintances and friends.
#weirdthoughts #messedupbrain
wandering thoughts of mine 